It’s Okay to Talk About It

Why it’s okay to have personal conversations at work - and why it’s more important than ever right now

In the middle of a pandemic, as we struggle with more uncertainty than most of us have faced in our lifetimes, it is more important than ever to get personal at work. For the essential worker who faces the danger of getting sick as they go to work; for the parent who is now at home with their kids who engage in remote learning; for the remote worker who was laid off and now has never met their new coworkers in person; the support of a relationship with a boss that cares about who they are outside of work can help to navigate all of those challenges and more. 

One way to help foster an environment where people can bring their authentic selves to work, is to get to know who they are outside of work by asking about their personal lives. For years this was seen as taboo and managers shied away from engaging in personal conversations with their direct reports. But this behavior is harmful to your company culture. It’s okay to talk about personal lives at work. But many people worry about getting too personal, so how do you know what is okay? 

Here are a few basic rules to follow, to help allow employees to be their authentic selves without taking it too far:

1. Ask broad questions

Questions like: 

• How was your weekend? 

• Do you have any plans for the upcoming holiday? 

• How are your kids doing at their new school?

Don’t get political right away or ask anything too personal, these broad questions will give you an idea of what they are comfortable sharing. Comfort will develop over time as the relationship evolves.

2. Share something about yourself

Tell an employee about a great book you are reading or a new restaurant you tried. Mention your kid’s soccer game or your new puppy dog. Anything that tells your employee a little bit about who you are and what’s important to you. This allows you to find common interests to help you connect.

3. Never push

Ease your way in, some people will prefer to keep personal details to themselves so if they don’t want to share, don’t continue to ask the same questions. Switch it up and ask about something else. If you notice they are getting uncomfortable, change the subject.

4. It’s okay to disagree*

This point has an asterisk because while it’s okay to disagree, there are certain ways to disagree that will strengthen a relationship, but others that will not. Never shame an employee for their opinion or speak to them like your way is right. Instead, get curious. Ask ‘why’ questions to understand further.

We know that people are the most productive when they aren’t worried about hiding who they are. When they aren’t code switching to fit in with the group, they can focus on the work at hand. (Code switching is the practice of changing one’s speech or mannerisms to fit in with a group, often used to conform to the status quo. This common defense mechanism can be a lot of work.) 

Bringing your authentic self to work can be a challenge in most workplaces. Generally people want to fit in at work, and despite being a culture where we claim to celebrate our differences, the reality is that we seek people who are most similar to us. This is what comes naturally, but we know that increasing diversity in teams creates more successful workplaces. Therefore, creating a culture that supports those diverse teams is more important than ever. Many companies have gone virtual during the pandemic, thus eliminating dropping by a coworker’s desk or “water cooler hangouts” at the office. We often have to schedule social interactions virtually, so the organic conversations have shifted to before-meeting awkwardness over video. Having “get to know you” time in one on ones and team meetings as described above can help facilitate the personal relationships that are so important.

Another question that comes up when it comes to getting personal at work is, “Can I compliment my coworkers looks?” And the answer is, sometimes! While it can be nice to say that someone looks nice at work, conversations should never focus on looks and keeping compliments to an item of clothing or haircut are a good general rule. Saying, “I like your new haircut” or “that color looks good on you” are generally fine. If you are still unsure, ask yourself, would I give this same compliment to a person of a different gender? If the answer is no, steer clear of that compliment. And don’t repeat physical compliments, if you tell a person how great they look, everyday, it can certainly feel like unwanted attention and can be harassment.

Pretending that employees don’t have a life outside of work is immensely harmful to their work productivity and the culture. It can cause people to feel less than supported in the work they do, less welcomed on a team, and it can erode any psychological safety someone may feel. 

People are just that, PEOPLE! And to treat them like they are simply “worker bees” there to get the job done, isn’t an effective way to build excellent teams, great culture, and outstanding products. Making personal connections and allowing people to be who they are at work is key to fostering your business; not to mention that we spend so much of our time at work. In the end, you want team members to bring their whole-selves to work on a daily basis without having to think twice about the conversations they’re having with coworkers. It’s human nature to share who we are, and by creating boundaries, like the ones mentioned above, we remain connected to the people we see everyday (even if it is virtually).